It's times like these when I remember my father's last words...'Don't son! That gun's loaded!'

I want to die like my Grandad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

When a man talks dirty to a woman it's called sexual harassment... when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 per minute.

Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted.
 

I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.

It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Smile things may get worse more slowly.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

A jury consists of twelve people to decide who has a better lawyer. - Robert Frost

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Picasso

Getting information from the internet is like getting a glass of water from the Niagara.
- Arthur C. Clarke

News is something someone is trying to hide. Everything else is just advertising.
 - William Randolph Hearst

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. - Samuel Goldwyn

Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before. - Mae West

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? - Jack Handey

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. - Winston Churchill

When you are waiting for someone, minutes seem like hours, if you are talking to a beautiful woman, hours seem just minutes. That is relativity for you. - Einstein

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? - Lily Tomlin

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. - George Carlin

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
- Al Capone

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. - Brendon Behan

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles Schultz

A critic is a man who writes about things he doesn't like. - H. L. Mencken

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

So many men, so little time. - Mae West

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. - Groucho Marx

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. -George Bernard Shaw

There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know. - Roger H. Lincoln

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right. -Woody Allen

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. -Voltaire

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - Mark Twain

The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. - Oscar Wilde

You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try. - Homer Simpson

Only the shallow know themselves. - Oscar Wilde

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter

The books that the world calls immoral are the books that show the world its own shame.
- Oscar Wilde

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite. - Sam Levenson

The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out. - Chinese Proverb

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. - Oscar Wilde

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde

No sane man will dance - Cicero

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
- George Bernard Shaw

I can resist everything exept temptation. - Oscar Wilde

Sex is the most natural, most beautiful, most wonderful thing that money can buy. - Steve Martin

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. - Jules Renard

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
- John Quinton

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
- Doug Larson

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henry Youngman

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.
 - George Bernard Shaw

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. - Errol Flynn

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland